So long time no posty. Sorry about that. Things are shakin’ at the ol’ Conniption Household. Things I can’t talk about. Oooh, I know. I hate it when bloggers allude to things they ‘can’t’ talk about, but in this case, I simply can’t. Not so publicly anyway.
We took a couple trips. And then my computer decided that it wouldn’t recognize my camera as a device so the posts I had planned after those trips have been postponed. I have some knitting to show off, but again, that takes camera talking to computer properly. I’ll hopefully have that worked out shortly. You’ll also have to forgive me because the Mucous Plague has visited its pestilence upon our house and Son is the only one apparently unscathed. I’m hopped up on cold medicine.
A few weeks ago, we were sitting down to dinner and I asked Son how his day at Kindergarten had gone. He said, “Fine. I’m going to marry Billie*.” Billie is a little girl down the street who is in his class. I gathered my wits before I brayed laughter in his face and doomed him to a lifetime of peering at girls from behind a locker door and being too afraid to talk to anyone about his crushes, resulting in unnatural tendencies that will result in restraining orders and possibly a spot in US Weekly as the stalker-of-the-month to some celebrity.
Trying to keep the mirth from my voice, I asked him, “Does Billie know this? Have you discussed it with her to be sure she wants to marry you, too?” He said, “I chase her every day at school, and she runs from me. When I stop chasing her, she chases me back.”
Ah, true love. So uncomplicated in the mind of a five year old.
I asked him last night what he would do if he ever caught her, or let her catch him. His response was that he wouldn’t kiss her, that’s for sure. If she wanted to kiss him on the cheek, well, then, he might let her, but he wasn’t doing the planting of the kiss. I found myself torn because while I think it’s perfectly normal what he and Billie are doing, exploring social tendencies and how to handle their feelings, I also don’t want him to see the inside of the principal’s office, or worse, face suspension or expulsion over a kiss as the media has reported with the advent of Zero Tolerance at schools. Common sense is not the order of the day, and while I think my kids’ school is more common sensical than some, I don’t want to take the chance. I told him to save the kissing for when he’s older, that he can hold her hand, or give her a quick hug (but not hang on her) but that kissing is for when he’s a teenager.
Then, this morning, he asked me to fix his hair into ‘fun hair’ for school. Next, he’ll be checking his labels and making sure none of his clothes come from Wal-Mart. Does it really start this early? Really? I’m not equipped for this. And relying on my husband to do the guidance bit for Son and his pre-pubescent angst seems like the answer since Mike is a good man, but I feel out of control here, like a delicate flower in a freezer full of sausage.
Also, it seems like poor timing on my part since we’re embarking on the Candy/Holiday Food season but I’m tired. Physically, emotionally, and in general my apathy is overwhelming. All I feel like doing is eating, sleeping, and I’m doing the minimum required to get by. This has been the norm for a long time, and it’s becoming a problem. It’s weighing down my attitude, and I can’t remember the last time I smiled a genuine smile. I am tired of being in a bad mood. I’m tired of not feeling 100% capable of keeping up with life. I’m sick of wishing for change instead of making the changes necessary. I am beginning to struggle with depression in a way that I haven’t in a long time, and at the time, I hoped I’d never face such a black abyss again. I wanted to write about this in a more meaningful way, something with pretty words strung together in awesome ways but I’m not capable of that today what with the cold medicine coursing through my veins. But I’m afraid if I don’t say it, it won’t be as real and the more tenuous it remains, the less I’ll feel confident in sticking to it. So I’m saying it now. There will be changes around here. They’ve already begun. My diet and exercise routine is being mapped out as we speak. I’ve joined Spark People, though I’m a little leery of keeping a tool like that at my fingers because sometimes the actual changes required are lost in the use of tools. All talk, no walk, if you know what I mean. I’m also going to apply to be on Losing It with Jillian Michaels. I don’t know if we’ll be picked to have a camera crew and Jillian descend on our house, and the odds aren’t in our favor, but to have a life coach come to us to analyze and help us reprioritize seems like, I don’t know, a step in the right direction, and we couldn’t afford one on our own. And if Jillian were really going to visit, I’d have a hard time refraining from humping her leg. I would at the very least, wish to give her a hug, if only to feel the solidity of her muscles. Her awesomeness scares me and cowers me as well as inspires me.
So! That’s what’s up with me. There will hopefully be some changes coming up. Unfortunately, I’m in the throes of one of those colds that saps your energy, and while I’m ready to get going on this fork in my life road now that I’ve chosen which fork to take, I know that any effort I expend on the exercise front will only prolong the weakness and sickness that I’ve been plagued with for the last few days. It is one of those massive mucous parties in my chest that could easily become bronchitis. However, in an effort to prove that I’m not just making excuses, I’m making small changes already. I spent some time over the weekend cooking for the week ahead so that I can keep to a healthy diet and get into a new routine to jumpstart what I plan to be a whole turnaround. I need this. Or I’m staring into a life where I’ve alienated every person who has ever cared about me and I lose my family. I’m not willing to go there. I’ve got some work to do. I need to get on it before I’m too far gone to care about losing it. Something’s gotta give, and it’s not gonna be me. Wish me luck.
*name changed for the sake of the children. Please, won’t you think of the children?