13
Nov
09

Google Giggles

Just messing around yesterday, I typed some generic beginnings of questions into Google to see what the auto suggestions would be.  Here is my favorite one.

I’m pretty sure your eye is twitching because you’re dumb enough to Google symptoms, and you’ve read all the horrifc things that are possibly wrong with you.

Asparagus makes urine smell because there’s something funny going on in your digestive tract. It’s supposed to turn your urine greenish, not make it smell.  There’s something wrong with you.  I’m thinking brain tumor.  Sorry.  But don’t google that.  You’ll cry.

Love feels like a battlefield because you’re with the wrong guys.  The right one makes love feel like a warm house in the deep of winter, a fluffy puppy so happy to see you that he’s wagging hard enough to shake his entire body, a hot mess of eye poppingly good sex that could furrow even a botoxed brow, and the best book you’ve ever read, all rolled into one.  And it cures eye twitching.

What does your vag smell like?  If it’s pretty floral scents, I’m pretty sure it’s because you’ve gotten yourself some good soap.  However, I’m assuming you wouldn’t google that if it wasn’t a problem.  Perhaps you ate some asparagus and didn’t use enough toilet paper to clean up?  But I predict that’s the least of your problems.  Namely, I hope you find a vegetarian boyfriend who loves asparagus.  Good luck to you.

Dogs eat poop.  It’s a fact of life.  There is no why.

Not all poop floats.  But perhaps it’s fluffier than the stuff that sinks.  Just a guess.  Some things are better left un-googled.

If you can answer the question of hair turning gray and then can find a cure, I’d be your betch for life.  Seriously, I’ll handknit all your socks, draw your baths with floating rose petals on the the water and candles.  I’ll make you from-scratch dinners for life. 

I had to Google the zebra stripe thing myself, and found the answer duh worthy: for camouflage.  Google doesn’t know everything, apparently.

Ice floats so that the liquid passing through your lips has just left the ice and is cold.  It’s so cocktails are tastier.  Go have one.  It’ll help.

Snape kills Dumbledore?  Fuck you, Google, for spoiling that for me.  Asshole.

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1 Response to “Google Giggles”


  1. 1 Jen
    November.17.2009 at 9:44 PM

    You are too funny!


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